Are we too polite?

If like me you were brought up in the UK the chances are that yes – we are often too polite. Having been taught from an early age to ‘only speak when you’re spoken to’, not to be rude about others and not to say what we really want or feel, it becomes a deep habit to stifle our own intuition, feelings and thoughts. Inevitably this causes us distress at some level, which we tend to deal with in one of 2 ways: either we project onto others in our life – whether it’s the partner, the boss or abstract ‘other’ who is making us miserable, unhappy or sick. Or it eats us up inside and we feel unseen, unheard, unvalidated, unhappy – which often manifests through a set of physical body symptoms that we then blame for our unhappiness, but is actually the body’s way of drawing our attention to the need to look inside.

If we are fortunate there comes a point when we decide to take responsibility for our own state and that’s when the healing journey begins. The simple act of choosing to be responsible opens the door to enlightenment. And this is the Enlightenment that Gautama the Buddha speaks of, and no we don’t have to sit under a Boddhi tree for years. All it requires is that we sit at the centre of our Selves, seeing and owning that everything we see, feel, think and experience is Me. The Other that I so conveniently create in order to help me deal with overwhelming pain and distress? That’s me. All the annoyance, irritation, anger, frustration and resentment I’ve ever felt about any situation ever? Yes, that’s me too – my feelings about myself at some level.

So ask yourself: to whom am I giving permission to control my life? Because every time I blame my state on another I am giving them control over my life: it doesn’t matter whether I’m feeling unhappy, joyous, angry or ecstatic – if I attribute it to another I am giving them permission to manage my state.

Conventions that we live by

And just as we are embracing our personal Shadow, it’s happening in the collective too. Recently we have witnessed many examples of dirty dealings coming to light including Harvey Weinstein, the Paradise Papers and innumerable sex scandals. I don’t think this means that our behaviour as humans is deteriorating – I think it reflects the global healing we are going through as all our personal and collective Shadow rises into the light, and we each contribute by doing our own work.

Allied to this is a phenomenon I have seen in my healing practice, and I would love to hear whether others recognise it: of deeply loving souls being born on this planet into a family situation in which great pain and trauma is played out. In their pre-verbal, pre-rational state these souls learn to eat the pain of those around them, expressing their deep ‘unconditional love’ mission to the best of their abilities. As these children grow into adults they continue to act from this programme, which is so deeply embedded that it feels like a survival mechanism. This often leads them into abusive or parasitical relationships, substance abuse, physical and mental health challenges. Once the pattern is seen and recognised and they learn to sit in their own centre, taking responsibility for themselves while releasing responsibility for others their enormous potential is unleashed.

One of the things I love about the Inka tradition is that it contains a practice called Hucha Mikuy, which means ‘Eating heavy energy’. This is a facility we all have but it does need a little practice and care; if you have trained with me I can help you re-member how to do this, or buy Elizabeth Jenkins’ book ‘The Fourth Level’. This practice gives us the power to stand in our centre – always practice Hucha Mikuy on your own bubble first – and has the capacity to be of real service; those on my Womens Empowerment course will be learning this shortly.

If you find it difficult to communicate your real needs, thoughts and wishes I heartily recommend the work of Marshall Rosenberg on Non-Violent Communication: buy the book, read it and then choose easy situations to practice owning your stuff – like the garage that haven’t done a good job on your car for instance – before working on the difficult relationships in your life. As always, give yourself permission to stuff it up (lots of times) but don’t give up: keep learning about yourself – your reactions, emotions, feelings, communication styles – and I promise you will begin to find more space and more freedom in your life. And the more space you allow into your life the more exciting funky stuff you invite in!

As always if anything I’ve shared resonates and you’d like to work with me 1:1, do get in touch.

In Muñay Debra